A Pittsburgh sports fan came up with the worst possible excuse for getting drunk and stealing this 82-foot yacht

Cat2 / Culture

Joshua Peacock jcpeacock, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons

There are few things better in life than relaxing with a few cold beverages on the open water.

But the good vibes don’t last for long when you’re on a stolen boat.

And now a Pittsburgh sports fan has come up with the worst possible excuse for getting drunk and stealing this 82-foot yacht.

“Pistachio nuts everywhere…”

Just before 8:00 A.M, Pittsburgh River Rescue responded to a call about a stolen 82-foot yacht on the Allegheny River.

Shortly after, the vessel was found roughly one mile down the river and was completely trashed.

The yacht’s owner, Michael Jennison, told WPXI-TV Channel 11 that after seeing the scene on the yacht, he believed “a giant party had gone on.”

“Oh my gosh, every single thing was torn out,” Jennison said. “The cabinets and everything. We were crunching on potato chips and cheese puffs. It was like a giant party had gone on. The liquor cabinet was empty – the liquor was everywhere. Bottles everywhere.”

Jennison said that the manual for the boat’s diesel engine was also lying on a bed, indicating that whoever was aboard was trying to figure out how to start it.

“Somehow they got onto the boat,” Jennison added. “They must have tried to start the engines because they have my diesel engine book opened on the bed, like trying to figure out how to start the engines.”

But when police boarded the yacht and investigated, they found just one man, Michael Fischer, “relaxing in a chair.”

“He was sitting right there,” Jennison explained. “Laying back. Passed out, pistachio nuts everywhere, a bottle of rum mostly all drunk, just a little left in the bottom.”

A pirate’s life indeed

After questioning Fischer, police learned that he was attempting to figure out how to start the yacht’s engine with its manual, but was unable to do so.

So instead of taking it as a sign that he probably shouldn’t steal the 82-foot vessel, he simply untied it from the dock “and let it drift a mile down the Allegheny River until it crashed into the river wall and nearly hit the River Rescue building.”

“Thank God nobody got hurt,” the boat’s captain, Adam Kernohan, told Channel 11. “No damage was done. It went underneath four bridges, so thank goodness no damage was done over there. No lives were taken.”

While the story is undoubtedly mind-blowing, it’s Fischer’s rationale for stealing the yacht that will leave you in total disbelief.

According to police, while questioning the suspect, Fischer admitted that he “took the boat” because he “wanted to meet some Pittsburgh Pirates.”

Now, whether Fischer was under the impression that literal pirates were making their way through Pittsburgh via the Allegheny River, or he was referring to the Major League Baseball team, no one but him actually knows.

The Pirates’ home field, PNC Park, does sit along the Allegheny, so maybe he should get the benefit of the doubt.

But no matter how you slice it, getting drunk and stealing an 82-foot yacht to “meet some Pittsburgh Pirates” is an absolutely bananas move.